I’ve been feeling really great lately. My hormones are starting to even out a little, we’re getting into the swing of having two kids instead of one. A few opportunities have come my way, and we have big plans for the next couple of months.
When you haven’t felt great in a long time, and then you start to feel better, you realize how bad you felt before and maybe you didn’t even know it. Like when you have had a headache for days and then one morning you wake up without it and you want to run and jump and shout from the rooftops. You swear to yourself that you’ll never take your health for granted again. You had to feel better to understand that you felt so bad. You got used to living in the pain.
After the success of 2010, I’ve been very open that 2011 was an enormously difficult year for us emotionally. Both sides of our family suffered serious illness and we lost one of our own. I’ve also been open about the emotional toll that pregnancy takes on me. I am very susceptible to hormone changes, so the entire year that I’m pregnant or postpartum, I am not myself. So, as the hormone fog starts to thin and my heart unclenches just a little, I feel like I can see clearly again for the first time in a long while.
I always hesitate to say anything negative about my life. We are so blessed in so many ways, too many to count. It’s easier for me to say after the fact, “Well, that was hard.” When I’m sitting in the uncomfortableness, I prefer to put my head down and charge through and hope no one is looking my way.
I’m scared, as I write this, that proclaiming that things are going well in our life means for certain that the other shoe will drop. There are still so many circumstances out of our control, things that are on our mind every day. I’ve spent hours in the past few weeks worried that something catastrophic was going to happen at any moment.
But if I don’t say when things are bad, and I don’t say when things are good, then what am I ever saying? I’m not saying anything important. I want to remember the times as they were, and claim them as such.
Many times you can’t see how important a season was until you’ve come out on the other side of it. Other times you know, by circumstances or otherwise, that you’re living in a hinge moment. This is where I am, and it’s good. I’m only a little afraid to say it.
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