It’s been three years since someone I love very much tried to starve themselves to death. First she got smaller, and we pointed to a few disappointing circumstances. Then she became depressed and smaller, then hormonal and smaller, and in such a short amount of time - a matter of months, really - her health went from slightly concerning to dire.
This person we love so much was hospitalized once, twice, and finally committed to a facility for longer care treatment. By that time she was self-harming in more ways than one, but a body deprived does not think straight, so the first step was to get her physical health to a manageable place before doctors could treat the mental spiral that got her there.
While she was healing, I learned more about eating disorders than I ever cared to know. Given what an epidemic it is, there are surprisingly few good resources, or memoirs, or medical research devoted to the topic, despite the fact that anorexia nervosa has the highest mortality rate of any psychiatric disorder1. I read what I could get my hands on, all of the contradictory theories and sad stories, and I cried a lot.
I’ve lived in a sorority house and in Hollywood. I’m familiar with eating disorders.
Prior to eye witnessing this particular brand of self-destruction, I felt medium knowledgable about the topic. My judgmental mind categorized someone suffering from one as a wannabe beauty queen, an extremely insecure temperament, or, the worst-of-the-worst: a perfectionist.
But what I learned about this deadly disease is that it’s not just a quick way to lose a few pounds before prom. Throwing up after eating isn’t a punchline. And often people with severe eating disorders are not trying to be so thin as to say Look At Me! but instead are trying to shrink themselves so that they disappear.
Aside from my loved one, I’ve watched other people I know struggle with the mental cage that becomes an eating disorder. A lot of times it starts with a diet choice. I’m just going to replace one meal a day with a bowl of cereal. Often it’s touted as a healthy diet choice. I’m going Paleo!
I’m not saying that changing your eating habits or even fad diets themselves will lead you down a dangerous path. But everyone you know going gluten-free? They don't all have celiac disease.
It’s very common to take on a trendy diet or malady and hide behind it as a reason for not eating at all, or for eating very, very little. It even becomes socially acceptable. Who can blame the person at the meal who barely touched her food when everyone knows she has irritable bowl syndrome? What are you going to say when someone smiles and says “I’m vegan.” or “I’ll just grab something at home.” You nod respectfully, maybe even apologetically.
Is everyone who is cutting grains and obsessing over probiotics fighting an eating disorder? Of course not. Many people have found real relief in these things and believe they are doing what is best for their body, their pain management or their energy level. But did you also know that anorexia gives you a high? You actually start to feel good when your stomach is empty. Your brain is changing in response to your diet and over a very small amount of time this can be devastating.
The language that surrounds food and weight is confusing and socially taboo. What people often say: “It’s not about losing weight, it’s about feeling better.” It’s become politically incorrect to say you want to lose a few pounds while also somewhat annoying to say you don’t. People rarely say, “I’m cutting carbs to lose a few pounds,” instead it’s “Did you know humans were actually never meant to ingest gluten?”
It’s a mind circle, this food thing. I challenge you to show me any woman who hasn’t had an unhealthy relationship to food or obsessive thoughts about food, even briefly. Culturally and physically, we all want to look our best and feel better. So it’s a delicate topic that we must tip-toe around, not offending anyone who has taken the reins of their health. Who wants to be the dolt that’s all “I eat McDonalds and I like it!” That’s simply not educated-sounding. The pendulum has swung from the sprouts eater being the weirdest one in the room to the french-fry orderer receiving raised eyebrows.
Many would say this is a good thing. I say it makes me very nervous. Only you can know if your diet restrictions have tipped into the territory of self-harm. Only you - and possibly those close to you - can know if your meltdown on day 8 of Whole30 is “part of the process” or something more, a step towards something awful.
My loved one has been in recovery for several years, maintaining a mostly healthy weight since her months in the hospital. Her care is ongoing.
Take care of yourself out here. Outwardly, but more importantly inwardly.
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1. From Arcelus, Mitchell, Wales, & Nielsen, 2011, as cited by the National Eating Disorders Association
Photo by Emergency Brake via flickr
